- She was smarter than me, and I hate when that happens. There was but one thing to do: seize the initiative. I played the trump card God provided: I stared directly into her cleavage.
- She was clearly insulting me or at least pretending to. Truth was, I didn’t even like her and certainly didn’t want to date her. I really just wanted to see if I could. What can I say, maybe it’s a guy thing, but she gives great soup.
- You could add up all her looks and mannerisms and never total gorgeous, but you’d get to adorable pretty quick, and that was enough for me. Hell, I couldn’t take my eyes off her.
- Listen to me: model. At best she was a model hopeful, and I was nearly twice her age. We both knew what this was.
- What I remembered most about Mrs. Carmodie was she had a double-decker butt. While normal butts curve like the letter C, Mrs. Carmodie’s butt got halfway through the C, then extended several inches in a straight line like some sort of shelf before finishing the curve. The shelf on her butt was wide enough to hold two cans of soda.
- I didn’t ask what happened to Chris Unger’s secretary, but I had a feeling Sal’s car had plenty of traction in the back.
- I have a soft spot for children and rarely find it necessary to kill them.
- My daughter made a sad sound, the kind a teenager should never have to make. It was a sound that said in her eyes I was not only clueless as a father, but hopeless as well.
- “Say good-bye to your family, Creed.”
– “You tell them for me. I’ve got work to do.”
- When you’ve survived a bomb blast and more than a hundred people didn’t, it’s hard to focus on rumors of a possible hickey on Paris Hilton’s neck.
- Some people plan for their retirement. I plan for my imprisonment.
- You never feel the splinters on the ladder of success until you’re sliding back down.
ON CONTRACT KILLING:
- “I’m not her attorney. Not her judge. Not her jury. I’m not being paid to determine her innocence. I’m being paid to render justice.”
- I didn’t want to ask too many questions. Questions lead to answers, and answers lead to doubt, and doubt will ruin a good contract killer.
- Semtex is the explosive of choice for international terrorist groups. It’s cheap, odorless, readily available, has an indefinite shelf life, and slides through airport security scanners like a pair of silk panties.
- There’s always a random element to taking lives.
- “Don’t make such a fuss. This is what I do.”
- Bourbon is not a pretentious drink, although there’s a movement underfoot to make it so.
- (At Starbucks) You have to learn a whole new friggin’ language in order to justify spending four bucks for a cup of Joe.”
- “Do you mean to tell me there’s an actual spider inside?
- There’s nothing like the taste of diner French fries. They put hamburger grease in the oil.
- The fundamental lesson every successful street fighter learns is you do not want to fight your opponents the way they are trying to attack you.
- This guy was easier to hit than the heavy bag in my gym.
- “If I die tonight, hunt this ugly bastard down and kill him like the dog he is.”
- “If it makes you feel any better, you’re the only person I’ve ever offered to pay to beat up.”
- “I came here hoping to strengthen our relationship, but if it’s not to be, I can always just snap your necks.”
- At that moment, he seemed sweet, almost adorable. If Kathleen had been there I’m sure she would have said, “Aw, how cute.” –But Kathleen wasn’t there. And she didn’t have a gun aimed at her crotch.
- “I’m coming to get you, Joe.”
- I swore. Happily, it was the truth. And I was well aware that by swearing on the past I hadn’t ruled out the future.
- “You can’t be this stupid, even for a lawyer.”
- “That’s right, son. You’re going to be a hero today.”
- “It sounds stupid when you say it out loud like that.”